Don't Forget to Give Me Back my Black T-Shirt
by yuffiehighwind
Summary: It was all because some asshole hit Dee's car. Charlie/Ruby Taft, Charlie/Dee.


_**Summary:** It was all because some asshole hit Dee's car._

_**Notes:** The scene with Ruby takes place during the season eight episode "Charlie and Dee Find Love." The last scene with Dee takes place some indeterminate time between seasons eight and nine. Charlie/Ruby Taft, Charlie/Dee. Sexually Explicit. See the bottom of this page for more notes._

* * *

**Don't Forget to Give Me Back my Black T-Shirt**

There wasn't anything soft about Dee. She was called Sweet but was all sour. A spoon of vinegar, a shot of espresso, a plain bite of lemon. She was all sharp angles and jagged edges.

Deandra Reynolds had never been in love. Wasn't the sort to lie on a couch cuddled in someone's arms, or vice versa, to softly whisper endearments or relish comfortable silences. Dee's lovers got a loud, brash partner accustomed to burning bridges. She was soft once, but hardened over the years. Developed a shell young, diagnosed at thirteen with the most humiliating and debilitating of ailments. She was told she brought shame to the family, although she had the brace removed in time for college. Standing tall, Dee could enter her very first dorm with a straight spine.

Dee had few friends at UPenn, and what friends she had were the misfits on the floor below hers, who drank and did drugs in lieu of studying. Dee flunked out and decided to follow her theater buddies' footsteps. She only worked as a PA on their productions, then ran out of money and moved back home to live near Dennis. Her twin had a proposition for her; he was opening a bar...

* * *

Sweet Dee's default position was Missionary - orgasms faked and facing nose to nose, uncomfortably intimate. She took to Doggy Style better, because it was impersonal and felt good, with one hand free to rub her clit. She couldn't see her partner's face, just hear his grunts and feel his hands on her hips and throbbing cock inside her.

But it was humiliating when it wasn't her choice. It was no longer empowering, because then she _was_ like a dog, wasn't she? An object, not a woman. A pet, not a partner.

So Deandra Reynolds preferred Cowgirl to any other position, because she was the one in control - or as in control as one could be in the throes of ecstasy (or more often the unsteady blurriness of intoxication). She fucked Bill Ponderosa this way, and it was how she mastered Ben. This way she was fucking _them_, not the other way around.

* * *

Charlie Kelly's first sexual experiences were hazy nightmares from childhood, followed by a confusing and dissatisfying loss of virginity in high school. Several years and a few cathartic song performances later, he was eager and ready to bang the unavailable Waitress. But she didn't appreciate his obsessing over her - except when it was beneficial, like when he protected her bike or put vitamins in her shampoo.

The Waitress banged Dennis out of love and Frank for revenge - (and Schmitty once, for no reason) - but never showed the slightest interest in Charlie. It was just as well she hadn't slept with him, all those years ago, for the two hundred dollars his friends gave her. Charlie preferred their chaste courtship on the beach - no matter how fake it had been - and in his fantasies he envisioned a future married to her, with scores of children and grandchildren. Banging her didn't factor into it much, not really, and Charlie didn't entirely understand why people made such a fuss about sex. All the same, if he could get her to love him, he would let the Waitress do anything she wanted.

Then there was Ruby Taft.

* * *

Her brother may have been callous, but Ruby Taft was kind. She was the Sweet one, as much as Dee was Sour. She was gentle with Charlie during sex, because he was hesitant - almost reluctant - and he wasn't like her other boyfriends.

She could never have known he was playing her - enacting a role that was a combination of his own crass self and a gentleman Ruby would kiss in front of the Waitress. In less than two days she developed a crush that just wouldn't go away. After Charlie kissed her, Ruby had to have him. Her tiny crush turned into full-blown Like, and Ruby imagined it could someday be Love. Perhaps it was the hints of depth she saw hidden beneath his crudeness. His unusual tastes and working class roots stuck Charlie in a category her family looked down upon, but Ruby didn't care. Although Charlie could not always articulate his thoughts on them, it was apparent to her that - beneath his uncultured exterior - he loved good music, good movies, and good food. Especially food.

Charlie didn't kiss aggressively, either, like some of Ruby's exes had. He kissed like a beginner, she thought, which was probably a rude thing to say, or even to think. Ruby was that polite, even in her own head - even though this was Charlie Kelly_ - _because he was treating her so well. He was the first man in a while to do so, although he would become the cruelest man she'd ever met one day later.

Ruby was the one to propose they have sex, and didn't know he was so careful their first time because he felt so vulnerable actually having it. (Charlie's persona - his most convincing yet - told Ruby they would only do what she wanted, while the real Charlie silently prayed she wouldn't try anything weird.) They were lying in Ruby's bed kissing when she took the initiative - slowly unzipping his fly, then caressing him through his boxers until he was hard and softly moaning. Ruby paused to take off her shirt; Charlie eagerly sat up to do the same, leaving Ruby in her bra and his own chest exposed. She pushed him back down and straddled his legs, leaning down to press her lips to his flushed skin. Ruby gradually progressed southward, trailing a path from his throat to his lower abdomen, where she lingered before removing him from his boxers to take all of him in her mouth.

She felt Charlie place his hands on her head (gently, not forcefully), and could hear him murmuring nonsense under his breath that might have been encouragement or might have been that other woman's name - the one they had met outside her apartment. His noises turned out to be swears, and instead of turning prim and proper Ruby off, his words made her wet.

"Oh shit...Oh fuck..."

Ruby hummed in reply, then stopped briefly to say, "Don't hold back."

"That feels so fucking good!"

Ruby looked up and jerked him with a tight grip. Charlie continued muttering curses, removing his fingers from her hair and tearing at his own. Ruby swapped hands and knelt on the bed beside him.

"Charlie," she said. "Do you want to—?"

"Yes, oh yes!"

Judging by the thrust of his hips, Charlie probably meant he wanted to come. But Ruby wanted to know if he would fuck her, or make love to her; whatever the strange man wanted. She figured it suited him either way, and stopped stroking so she could remove her panties from under her skirt.

"Oh come on!" Charlie said in frustration when she withdrew her touch. He looked up at her in annoyance, then looked confused when she tossed her panties aside and climbed on top of him.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

Charlie looked apprehensive, all of a sudden.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

Ruby leaned down and kissed him softly.

"N-nothing, uh..."

"Do you want to have sex with me?" Ruby asked. She felt - seeing his nervous expression - it was necessary to ask. Which puzzled her, because jerks always wanted to have sex with her. To flip her on her back and take what they wanted.

Charlie closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Yeah, I do," he said. "A lot."

Charlie rested his hands on her spread thighs and let out a throaty moan when Ruby reached down to guide him inside her. (It was a sound overdue for two decades, and there was nothing quite like it.)

The man didn't thrust back while Ruby rode him, letting her do all the work. She eased into a rhythm she preferred, and by now her partner would have turned her over to set his own pace. Charlie closed his eyes instead, occasionally opening them to watch her. She locked eyes with him at one point, and that seemed to make him uncomfortable. She enjoyed watching him grow closer and closer to orgasm, but if a direct gaze made him self-conscious, she would shut her own eyes instead. This allowed her to focus, anyhow, relishing the sensation of having him inside her. Ruby reached down to rub her clit as she thrust.

Despite the double intensity of having both her g-spot and clitoris stimulated, Ruby didn't make any sounds remotely as loud as Charlie's. Along with senseless grunts and moans, Charlie repeated, "Oh God!" over and over. After a while, he warned, "Shit, Ruby, I'm gonna come!"

Ruby smiled affectionately. Why didn't it bug her that he would come before she did, when she was so close? Why did the thought of pleasing this man - who she had only just met - turn her on so much?

"It's okay," she said, running her fingers through his hair and settling her hand on his cheek. As an afterthought, she added, "I'm on the Pill." Information she should have shared much earlier, but was too caught up in the moment to think to mention.

Charlie came with a groan. He opened his eyes and grinned at her - that dopey, adorable smile Ruby liked. His face had held such an intense look of concentration while she was riding him, but now he'd reverted back to his goofy self. Ruby got up and lay down next to him. She wrapped her leg around his waist, not caring his limp dick still hung out the front his jeans, or that she was still wearing her skirt with the fabric bunched up around her waist.

Ruby ran her fingers down his chest and sighed contentedly into his floppy hair.

"Whew! That...that was...I liked that," he said.

With a chuckle, Ruby replied, "I'm glad. But Charlie..." She nuzzled her face in his neck. "I still haven't..."

"What?" he asked, and his ignorance seemed genuine, which only made him more endearing. "Oh. _Oh,_" he said, as her meaning dawned on him. He turned on his side and lightly rubbed her naked thigh. "Show me what to do."

Ruby lay on her back and took his hand, guiding it between her legs and moving his wrist to rub herself. She removed her hand so Charlie could continue on his own. The woman closed her eyes and said, "Faster," and after a few false starts his touch developed a regular, more rapid pace.

A short time later, when Ruby shuddered and came, Charlie asked, "Did I do that right? I don't know if I did that right."

Ruby nodded, pulling him close so she could kiss him again. After a few more kisses, she sat up. She ruffled Charlie's hair, then swung her legs over the side of the bed. Ruby picked her panties up off the floor and headed for her private bathroom, saying, "I'm going to get changed for bed. You can wear whatever you'd like."

"It's only midnight."

"Well, I need to get up early in the morning."

"What do you do?" Charlie asked. She realized she hadn't actually told him.

"I work as an archivist at an art gallery downtown."

"Oh, cool. I have to get up early too. So I'd better be going."

Charlie sat up and started getting dressed.

"Oh Charlie, please stay. I mean..." Ruby tried to hide being so eager. "It's late and there's so much room here. Where do you want to sleep?"

* * *

One year later, Charlie was drunk - not quite sure what was happening and not feeling safe _at all_ - when Sweet Dee lunged at him on her couch. She pushed Charlie down and straddled him without asking any permission, unzipping and reaching into his jeans to tug on his cock, making him hard and breathless.

_I can't do this, _he thought._ This feels...wrong._

But through the haze of alcohol, it was surprisingly _hot._ Charlie used his unusual strength to flip Dee on her back so he could take control of the situation. He briefly worried this would crush her, but he was small - one inch shorter than she was. He grinded against Dee while sucking on her neck, creating a hickey she would absolutely not want the Gang to discover. Neither would Charlie once he was sober, but the idea of marking her felt like it evened some score.

_He's probably basing his moves on Ruby Taft_, Dee thought. That was the girl he had humiliated in front of a hundred people, wasn't it? He'd slept with her and broken her heart after only three days together. How quickly an ignorant girl - (a cute one, no less) - could fall in love with Charlie Kelly, of all people, shocked Dee. And _that_ Charlie - the Charlie that Ruby Taft had loved - was just another character in his repertoire, wasn't it? Dee wondered if he was channeling it now. (The answer was no. Charlie was being someone else altogether, but still someone more sexual than the Charlie that Dee knew.)

Still not so good at holding back his orgasm, but eager to have one regardless, Charlie worked Dee into a lustful daze. She bucked her hips and thrust her pelvis against his out of rhythm. She was a terrible kisser when she was drunk, which didn't surprise him. Dee was so intoxicated this could be considered taking advantage.

Yeah. Taking advantage of _him_. Which one of them was more sober? He couldn't remember how much they had drank. Everything was so hazy, Charlie wasn't quite sure.

Dee was obviously desperate enough to bang him because her dry spell had become a drought. She clearly needed help, which was fine by him. They helped each other all the time. They were friends, sort of. Comrades in misery. They understood each other more and more each year, and now Charlie was dry humping her. His sister, in a way.

_What the hell am I doing?! _their minds shouted silently; simultaneously.

Dee continued to kiss him anyway. Although Charlie was Charlie, a dick was still a dick, and while she cared about him like a brother - (or a cousin, or some other distant relative)- she was also horny as hell.

"Fuck me, Charlie," Dee said, not one to beat around the bush.

"O-okay," Charlie stammered. "Let's go to your room."

Dee shook her head. Part of the allure was there was no gap, no thinking, no scramble for condoms or positioning of pillows. She wanted him to pull down her pants and leave her shirt on. She wanted to feel his heart beating close to hers and his hot, bitter breath on her neck, murmuring filthy things in her ear.

"Get those pants off," Dee slurred. "Come on, let's go."

"Dee..." Charlie whispered. He kissed her forehead and her chin. He kissed her mouth and she tasted salty, or sour, or whatever rubbed off Dee whenever someone got too close to her.

Charlie sat up and pulled down his jeans just enough to enter her, like the night he'd first banged Ruby. Dee unzipped her own and together they shimmied her jeans off one leg. She took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling.

"This is happening," she said in disbelief. "My God, this is really happening."

Charlie kneeled above a prone Dee, stroking his cock and tilting his head to look at her with curiosity and impatience.

"Are we...Is this...?"

Dee nodded, grabbing his shirt and pulling him down to mash their lips together forcefully. Charlie broke the kiss, but their faces remained close - inhaling and exhaling the bitter scent of alcohol. Charlie entered Dee and began to thrust, gradually quickening into a steady rhythm. He wasn't as bad as Dee had expected, and again she thought of Ruby Taft, remembering the girl's stunned expression and watery eyes. The image didn't turn Dee off in the slightest, and both of them cried out loudly, groaning ridiculous curses. Their noises were mostly variations on the word _"Oh!"_

Dee pulled Charlie even closer and wrapped her legs around him. They kissed sloppily, with open mouths. Dee wanted to drink in all of him - this one man in her life who ever cared for her more than superficially (though only sometimes). Not even Dennis...

Dee considered her cruel twin for a moment - imagining_ him_ inside her - then swiftly nudged the fleeting thought aside with a memory of Mac in his early twenties. It was a summer day and Mac was shirtless, spraying himself with a water hose to try and beat the heat. When he caught her watching him, he ruined her lustful daydreaming by opening his mouth and being, well, _Mac_.

Charlie took a while to come, probably because he'd had so many beers. Dee was fine with this, because it took her just as long. Their incoherent cries competed for loudness, and Dee discovered just how loud Charlie could be. He reminded her of how a girl might sound. Maybe it was because he didn't give a fuck, or that was just how he processed any heightened emotion.

_Don't fuck your friends,_ Dee thought, despite relishing the heat and weight of his body, and the warm, tidal sensation of her approaching orgasm. Dee was near the tipping point; all she needed was some stimulation on her clit.

Or, perhaps, something else. Charlie gripped her left breast through her shirt almost by accident. This only made Dee want more, so she lifted the fabric and awkwardly pulled down the left cup of her bra. She requested in a husky whisper that he pinch her nipple and roll it in his fingers, and Charlie complied. Then he did it a second time, and a third. On the fourth, his cock also hit that spot inside her that made her whole body shake. Dee stared up at the ceiling and watched the world go white.

_He *had* to have learned this from Ruby_, Dee thought, as her orgasm washed over her.

And all because some asshole hit her car.

_Thank God for small favors._

* * *

_**Additional Notes:**_

_I wrote this fanfic last July, before season nine aired, and revised it this May. (Revised it quite a lot, actually.) I scrawled the first draft - in which the sex scene with Ruby was from Charlie's point of view - one night on Tumblr at four in the morning, sleep-deprived and brainstorming how the hell to write my newest crack!ship. That's definitely why Charlie is such an OOC dynamo in the sack during the final scene with Dee._

_Now for the obligatory list of references:_

_*We first discover that Dee wore a scoliosis back brace in high school in "Underage Drinking: A National Concern," and find out more in episodes like "The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo." In canon, she wore it until she was 20. In this fanfic, she wore it until she was 18._  
_*We know the twins went to the University of Pennsylvania from "Charlie Got Molested" and "The Gang Reignites the Rivalry." In "Charlie Got Molested," Dennis comments that Dee flunked out._  
_*Bill Ponderosa is first introduced in "Mac Fights Gay Marriage," and Ben is introduced in "The Gang Wrestles for the Troops."_  
_*It is all but confirmed that Charlie was molested as a child, which is most apparent in "Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person" and "The Nightman Cometh." In both these episodes, he exorcises at least some of his demons through song._  
_*Charlie lost his virginity in high school to Stacey Corvelli ("Charlie Wants an Abortion"). He says it was a negative experience in a deleted scene from "Mac and Charlie Write a Movie."_  
_*Charlie does odd jobs for the Waitress in "Charlie and Dee Find Love."_  
_*Schmitty is a former member of the Gang introduced in "The Gang Gets a New Member." He bangs the Waitress at the end of "The High School Reunion Part 2."_  
_*Mac and Dennis bribe the Waitress to have sex with Charlie in "Charlie Has Cancer." She bangs Dennis in the same episode, and has sex with Frank in "Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom."_  
_*Charlie and the Waitress have a sweet date on the beach in "The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore" while she is high on Ecstasy._  
_*Charlie imagines marrying and having lots of children with the Waitress in "The Gang Saves the Day."_  
_*Some people can come just from having their nipples touched. Supposedly._


End file.
